My husband and I do not and will not just leave Lily with anybody for any reason. She is not your typical 9 month old.She is not bottle feed, but by pump through a GJ- tube. She also is on continuous feeds meaning she gets fed 20 hrs a day. Sound easy ? Sure if you know how to work the pump, and make her formula, give her meds, know when she takes "breaks", clean out her bag and tube, connect the tube to her button and repeat. She also has severe reflux and chokes on her saliva, so she is constantly coughing and choking. She pretty much waits until fight or flight kicks in to take a breath alot of the time. So yea, I am a nervous wreck when I leave her. I get anxious, paranoid, and imagine the worse. All of that is just icing on the cake.
Last night we decided to drop Lily off with my mom, so we could go hang out with a some friends. While hanging out, I was told to relax, enjoy myself. Relax ? Enjoy myself ? I'm ALLOWED to do that, right? wait, Can I do that? Apparently not. It was obvious to others that I was a bit anxious, ok alot anxious.
I haven't been able to get this outta my head at all. Who is this super tense person, who can enjoy the moment? Not me! I'm super chill. I love having a good time and chillin' out. I'm 26 years old for heaven's sake! Did this use to be me? Am I a changed person? UGH...I liked who I was dammit ! I don't wanna be that person. Maybe I just need to learn how to adjust from my old super easy stress free life, to my my life with moniters, G-tubes, hospital stays, therapy, and knowing more medical terminology then I ever cared to, Or maybe I just need a Xanax !
