Bryan woke up one Saturday morning, to me staring at him. As soon as he focused in a bit I blatantly stated "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant." He replied "Whatever Krista, go back to sleep." So I did and let it go, for the time being. Later that day, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew I was pregnant. I can't explain it, but I knew. While at the store I picked up a box of pregnancy tests. My plan was to wait til the morning to pee on this little stick. Well that lasted a whole hour before I couldn't take it anymore. Before I could blink, 2 faint pink lines popped up. My mind was racing! All I could think was OMG OMG I'm pregnant. I cannot be pregnant. Am I ready to bring a person into this world? Are any of us REALLY ready? Doubt it. All I said to Bryan was, I told you so. Well those two pink lines were not good enough for him. A few hours later I used the second test and the same thing, a positive resolute. All Bryan could say was I need to see it in writing. Um, in writing? What the hell are you talking about. He wanted to me to go buy those test that actually say pregnant or not pregnant, because he didn't trust the Little pink lines or my intuition at this point! Well I went to wally world and purchased the pregnancy test just to appease him. Later on that day, I used this test. A little watch flashes as you wait. I think it was the longest 2 minutes of Bryan's life.After it stopped flashing the word pregnant popped up. Afraid the shock wore off, Bryan was ready to tell everybody ! I on the other hand was not. I really wanted to wait, let it soak in. But the next morning, bright and early, Bryan decided we needed to go tell our parents.
A few weeks prior to us finding out I was pregnant, I had started working at a salon. I started as an "assistant" and you work your way up to having your own chair in about 6 - 9 months. I was so excited about this job. I had FINALLY finished cosmetology school, gotten my licence and got a job ! Once they found out I was pregnant they pretty much told me I was useless. Defeated again. The manager told me I could work at the desk. She gave me a bunch of bullshit reasons of why I would no longer be affective and be able to learn the things I needed to learn about working in a salon. I did not want to work at the desk. I felt this was thrown at me because I could have sued there asses for firing me for getting pregnant. They won anyways and I walked away from the position. It was only a few hours a week and their attitudes towards me sucked.
I started having morning sickness pretty bad. Even brushing my teeth made me gag. I actually lost a few pounds from not eating well from feeling so horrible. All I wanted for breakfast was watermelon, eggs, toast and chocolate milk. My morning sickness didn't last to long, just until my second trimester or so. I had more food diversions then cravings. I wanted taco bell and chocolate milk. I started to hate chicken, BBQ sauce, and eggs.
I really though it was a boy. I had dreams about it and I dunno I just had this feeling but I still knew not to get my hopes up. Since I like to be so prepared I started looking for names a few months in. Not just for a boy name but for a girl too. I came across the name Avery. I loved this name, and if it was a boy, that would have been his name. Since I was feeling as if it was a boy we pretty much called the baby Avery. I hadn't pick out a girl's name yet because I was set on Lily. I had wanted that name since before I got pregnant. Every doctors appointment was routine. Pee, weight, blood pressure, blood draws, and babies heart beat. I had been tested for cystic fibrosis early on and found out I was a carrier but my husband was not so we didn't worry about it. Routine blood tests were done to look for downs syndrome, which looking back I think we got a yea yea its fine and that was it. At my 20 week appointment we had the ultrasound done to determine sex. That night I had a dream it was a girl and so I already knew what they were gonna tell me. The look on my husbands face when she said it was a girl was priceless. He was terrified. So Avery became Lily. I wasn't sure if I wanted just Lily or some variation. I still looked at plenty of names just to make sure but it always came back to Lily. Everybody must have hated her name because I got everybody and there mothers two cents. I have to say I didn't even consider anybodies suggestions because they were just the worse names I had EVER heard. My husband completely agreed and loved Lily as much as I did. But again, I didn't want just Lily so I came up with Lilyana. Her middle name was done from the get as well. My husbands middle name is Bryan and mine is Leigh. So I came up with Bryleigh. A little bit of both of us.
I started working at CVS a few months back. It was the most stressful job I have ever had. I worked in the pharmacy. This CVS was in the middle of Sun City, which is old people central. It was constantly busy and never a dull moment. I had been called every name in the book. Some old man even called me and ignorant knocked up whore because I wouldn't let him pay for his Rx at the front counter, out of the pharmacy. I worked the crappiest hours as well. I worked a full 40 hour week. I was exhausted. Some nights it was pretty much implied that I needed to stay way past my shift. Sometimes I didn't leave until 1 a.m. I hated this job. People were mean, other employees were mean and I was lucky to catch a fifteen minute break. I was starting to hate the world.
I had my monthly doctors appointments which were always fine. I was gaining weight like I was suppose to, my blood pressure was always good. I went to a practice full of way to many doctors. I think it was seven or so. Every appointment I saw a different doctor or the nurse practitioner. At about 30 weeks, one of the doctors measured my belly for the first time. This didn't happen again until my 34 week appointment and I just so happened to get the same doctor. She said that I was measuring to small and I needed to come back next week for a growth ultrasound. I was extremely taken back. Now I have to worry for a full week that my baby isn't growing at the rate she should and why. This was the longest week of my pregnancy. Between this and work, I was exhausted physically and mentally. I didn't know how much more I could take before I broke.
Finally Wednesday rolled around and it was time for my appointment. While waiting to go back to the ultrasound room, a woman came out and sat fairly close to me looking at ultrasound pics of her baby. She got on the phone to tell her family that she was having a boy. I wasn't intentionally eves dropping but I heard her say "We are having a boy which came to our surprise since the doctor told me I was having a girl! Wow, so either this doctor just likes to mess with peoples heads or hes a quack. So now I'm really starting to get nervous.
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| A few weeks before the princess was born. |
My husband and my mom came with me to this visit. Either way it was an ultrasound and we got to "see" Lilyana. The ultrasound tech starts taking her measurements and things of the baby. I tried to enjoy seeing her move around in there, but with how long it to for her to get the info she needed, I got more nervous. When she was done, she brought use to another room and had us wait for the results from the doctor. Now it became the guessing game. Which doctor will it be today. After about what seemed like forever, he walked in and tells me I need to be admitted to the hospital to have more tests and monitoring done and that I needed to go right away. He also told me that she was very small they were guesstimating around 4.5-5 lbs.This is way to small for a baby to be 35 weeks gestation. He said that it could possibly be the placenta, that it could have starting "dieing out" or the cord might not be functioning correctly and not giving the baby enough of what she needed to grow.
I don't think any of us knew what to think on our drive to the hospital. Is it no big deal, maybe they would put me on bed rest and change my diet. I went through it all. When we got there I was admitted to the high risk floor and put on fetal monitors and received an IV right away. I was also put on strict bed rest. I was only allowed to get up to use the restroom. I had started having some pretty intense braxton hicks contractions. So I had to drink tons of water and keep moving my position so they would go away. Well they really didn't and the nurses were starting to think I might be going into labor. I was brought down to labor and delivery to be monitored more closely just in case it did turn out to be the real deal. After about an hour or so there, I was brought to another area to have an extensive ultrasound done. The first tech was having issues measuring the baby's head correctly so they sent in a second and apparently she couldn't get a clear shot either. I laid in funky positions, was made very uncomfortable and still nothing. An hour and two techs later, I was sent back up to labor and delivery. The hospital's specialist came in to speak with me before my doctor did. Not sure why they didn't come in together but whatever. I was told my placenta looked OK, but something was definitely wrong. He told me that she could have physical deformities to mental delays. He literally went from A-Z on what could be wrong and then states there is a chance that she could be perfectly fine. He suggested that I go home, stay on bed rest and come back weekly for monitoring and ultrasounds until I got to about 37 weeks when I would then be induced. He left and my doctor came in. This happened to be a doctor I had met once before, at the beginning of my pregnancy. She told me that my placenta was not working correctly and that my baby was very small. I was told that she probably would not handle a vaginal delivery so I would most likely be having a c-section. She also wanted to do it right then and there! I think because of difference of opinions I was sent back up to my room on the high risk floor for the night and I would have further monitoring started in the am. By this point I was drained. My day started at 8 am and it was now going on 9 p.m.I didn't sleep much that night not knowing what our fate was the next day.
In the morning my nurse came in and hooked me back up to the fetal monitors again. Now the contractions were starting to feel real. Not sure if it was in my head or the stress was bringing on labor. So again, I had to drink buckets of water and keep moving my position. This wasn't really working. After a few more hours of this, a few nurses came in and told me to get my things together that I was going back down to labor and delivery. When we got there I was hooked back up to the IV and fetal monitor. Since I had already been pounding the water and was being pumped full of fluids, I had to pee every 10-15 minutes. My nurse wasn't exactly pleased with this seeing she had to unhook and hook me to the monitors. My husband decided he needed to call my mom and give her an update and let her know we were in labor and delivery again. The nurse over heard him tell her I'm not sure what's going on and she said "we are prepping you for an emergency c-section." WHAT ! OMG I think I about got sick. Everything was becoming even more real. The big argument with taking lily then or leaving her a few more weeks came down to lung development. Her heart rate was up and down and the doctors thought I could lose her if we waited to deliver. It was so nice of them to tell me this before we headed down to labor and delivery.
When the time actually came to head to the OR I couldn't stop shaking. I was so nervous. I shook so hard you could physical see it and I couldn't control it. I had never even been to the hospital for myself before this, so the idea of having my stomach cut open was pretty intense. I really didn't want to be alone but as a lot of you that have had c-sections know, your pretty much alone until seconds before they start. I was given a spinal which was terrifying. The nurse had to help keep me still because of my shaking. About 15 seconds after the spinal I started feeling its affects. I tried to move my legs just to see, nothing happened and that's pretty scary all on its own. I kept asking where is my husband I need my husband please don't start without him. I drove them crazy but I didn't care. I did not want to be alone. I was so scared I can't even describe the fear. Finally he walked in the door covered from head to toe in these light yellow scrubs. Neither of us could even speak to one another. We just looked each other in the eyes and that was enough. We both were terrified and we knew it. Then they started and I told the nurse attending to me I felt like i was gonna puke. She pumped me with something for nausea and it really worked but then I felt like there was a huge weigh on my chest and it scared me. So I was pumped with morphine, I believe. It helped and I don't really remember much after this. I was pretty drugged and in la la land. There were so many people in the delivery room. Most were from the NICU and ready for whatever Lily might need. She did breathe on her own for a little bit and I was able to see her long enough to kiss her and take a picture. Then they took her away and sent my husband away as well. So here I am, again in the delivery room, all alone and scared that I'm going to lose my baby. But now it was different. All the doctors and nurses were gone expect about 2 or 3 while I was being closed up. I was brought to recover were I kept feeling like I was going to pass out . The nurse there told me to relax and go to sleep. I wouldn't let myself, I couldn't let myself. Not knowing what was going on with my baby. Also I was afraid I was going to stop breathing ! I asked for my husband and this rude nurse told me he probably wouldn't be aloud back there since this was a women's hospital and all. She tells me this as I'm looking at a man across the way with another women recovering. I was there for about an hour when here he came rushing down the hall to be with me. Finally I wasn't alone. I had somebody to stand next to me and hold my hand. He was with me for maybe 5 minutes when it was time to go to my room. On our way, they brought me to the nicu to see my baby girl. I was not allowed to hold her or anything but I could get a look. I could barely see her in her clear box, with more wires and tubes hooked to her then I had ever seen in my life. She was on oxygen, but not intubated thank goodness.
I was wheeled back to my room after about 5 minutes or so. After we had got settled, I had some visitors and within an hour or 2 people were leaving and I was left to relax. At around 10:30 p.m., my nurse came to get me up outta bed and down to the nicu to see my daughter. This was a mess. I puked as soon as I stood up. I was determined to go see my daughter so I sucked it up and headed down. I was there long enough to wash my hands and take a peek at her before I vomited again and was asked to go back to my room. I was a mess it had been hours since I had her and I still hadn't even gotten a good look at her or even touch her. It was a long night. I was scared to sleep every time I started dosing off I felt like I was gonna stop breathing. I fought sleep most of the night. I listened to the baby in the next room cry and it broke my heart. I didn't get to have my baby with me. It wasn't fair! Why is this happening to me, to us and our family.
I guess I finally dosed off about 4 or 5 and when I woke up next the sun was coming up. At this point the nicu was closing and I had to wait until around 11:30 a.m. for it to re-open. It was a long few hours waiting but finally the time came. I was wheeled down to the nicu to visit with my baby. When we got there, we got the NICU spiel. They told us about the hours, how things work and so on. But there she was, my tiny 3 lb 9 oz 16 1/2 in long baby girl. I was pretty afraid of what was wrong with her because her head was shaped pretty funny, her forehead was small and narrow compared to the rest of her face. She also had a hump on the back of her head. Nobody really talked about it or brought it up. I was told she came off oxygen around 2 a.m. and had done great on her own since. The nurse asked me if I wanted to take her temp and change her diaper. Of course I wanted to, but I have to admit I was terrified to hurt this tiny baby. She just seemed so fragile. I got through the diaper change with some pretty shaky hands. Then she asked if I wanted to feed her. Hell yea, hand her over. Well this little girl decided to scare the crap outta every body. She turned blue while I was feeding her and one of the nurses noticed it before anybody and pretty much snatched her from me so he could figure things out and give her some oxygen. She only ate orally maybe a few more times before she had her NG tube inserted into her nose.This is when I really knew things were not good. They kept telling me preemies sometimes have trouble eating orally at first.I knew it was more then that, but I let it go for the time being and tried to stay positive. She started having apnea episodes during the second night. Thank goodness for monitors. The next few days were the same. Nothing to different happened except she started photo therapy for her jaundice. This pretty much sucked because she had to be under the lights 23 hours a day. We got to hold her for an hour a day. That's it. Sometimes the nurses would attend to other babies so we could have a few more minutes with her.
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| She turned blue right after this pic |
To be continued....
